i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
