i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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