I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
