I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
