I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
