I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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