My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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