Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
