All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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