She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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