im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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