There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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