dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
