that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
