I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
