I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
