I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
