i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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