Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
