She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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