My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
