i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
