Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she peed on how many people?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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