wakey wakey hands off snakey
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
