Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i would punch a child for taco bell
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Randomize
