If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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