I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
