I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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