I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
