I cannot find my penis.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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