I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
