Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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