The maid of honor just puked.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
