Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
