I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
