Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
