Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(410): View more from Maryland

remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(561): View more from Florida

She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet

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