Non-Jews are for practice
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
