Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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