I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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