non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
