My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't deserve a penis
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
