the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
