Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
