All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
