You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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