Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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