Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
