did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
