haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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