Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
